Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
