That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
