my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
