i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
