Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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