They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
