i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
