i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
