I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize