I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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