she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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