You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
