Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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