Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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