We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
