i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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