It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize