Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
