dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
