The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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