I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
