My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize