You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
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I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
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I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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