Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
