dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
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I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
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I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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