Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
