What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
