: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
