life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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