I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
