I'm jealous of your bromance
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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