don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
