my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
