I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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