"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
