whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
