My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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