I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry about my life...
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
