my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I want her autograph on my taint
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
