please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear