As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
do herpes really smell.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
