I wish I only lived at night.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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