this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
