nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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