nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
