Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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