On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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