I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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