Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
