Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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