Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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