That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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