when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
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