If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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