Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
