You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize