my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
